On the Anatomy of Hollows
by Lady Yami
Summary: Bored Orihime contemplates asking Ulquiorra a sort of offbeat question. Cue one human girl's overactive imagination and one Hollow's extreme confusion. OrihimeUlquiorra


On the Anatomy of Hollows

By: Lady Yami

AN: I know, it's been months since I've uploaded anything. Back in Bleach fandom. With shiny new crack couple addiction, too! WOOT! This ficlet is one part romance, one part innuendo, and three-hundred percent crack.

Ulquiorra/Orihime. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Sadly.

X X X

At first, it was a gentle, somewhat amusing thought that drifted across her mind. Things in her cell in Hueco Mundo were dull to say the very least, and Orihime Inoue was trying to develop ways to counter it. At first, she tried to make up theme songs for each Espada. No luck. Since their common characteristics were being nasty and evil, the songs all sounded pretty much the same. She had then taken to singing. It wasn't a good idea, since she couldn't' sing. That idea was quashed completely when Grimmjow Jaggerjack had stormed in at some point and threatened to pull her hair out if she kept it up. She could talk to her fairies, but only about so much. Plus, it was tiring to keep them out. So.

She was left sitting on her usual coach, starring at the ceiling endlessly high above. The massive unfamiliarity kept pulling at the edges of her consciousness. It was nothing like her apartment, which had been especially fun lately with the addition of Hitsugaya Toushiro and Rangiku Matsumoto. Looking back on their time in Soul Society, she had never imagined she'd be rooming two shinigamis. Especially Hitsugaya of all people. She had always imagined being killed by him, not getting in a (rather vicious) ice cream fight with said midget captain. There were other things too, to this place, that made her yearn for her little yellow home. The white uniform, how her hair didn't smell like shampoo. All she was allowed was a rinse in hot water. It was better than nothing, but she longed for shampoo, soap, and a razor. For a moment, she entertained the idea of asking.

"_I will do nothing for Aizen-sama until my legs are free of hair, and smell like strawberries, as is their usual habit."_

She snorted, trying to picture Ulquiorra's face. Her mood faded back when she thought of other strawberries. Ichigo was here, looking for her. She buried her head in her hands. Was this the anxiety, the despair, the guilt that Rukia had felt when her and her friends had stole into Soul Society to save her from being executed?

It was worse than being captured, or impending death, that was for sure. She rolled over, trying to go to sleep. Sleep was all she did, lately. Ulquiorra would come in at some point, and tell her to eat. The usual threats of force and I.V.s became involved if she refused or gave him troubles o she gave up trying and ate.

Thoughts of the green-eyed Espada brought her back to her previous pondering. She twitched, trying to clear the mental image. No good. It was disturbing, to think of her enemy like that. He was a soul-less monster, a Hollow. It was also predominantly idiotic, and would probably get her killed. No wait, they couldn't kill her. But torture her, yes. Or, well. She had slipped the Espada twice now, and he hadn't even taken his hand out of his pocket. First for the Sado comment, then for never knocking. It was just a silly question, though.

Her brow furrowed as she madly considered the options. Maybe in a roundabout way? No, there was really no round about way for this. She squealed and buried her face in the soft couch cushion, and then faced her window to watch the moon sparkle through the bars. Speaking of the couch, did Aizen order this just for her? And if he did, how so? The mental image of a furniture truck pulling up to Las Noches sent her into a giggling fit. Then there was the image of one of any of the Espadas moving it in. She wondered how much grunting there was involved. The giggling continued. It was a desperate sort of giggling fit, mostly forced by herself. But she needed it.

"Are you always so odd?"

Guh. GUH. Speaking of odd conundrums, Ulquiorra was at the door. Why was it always him, who was sent to feed her? In retrospect, it was better than anyone else she could have picked out of her head. Ichimaru Gin was there, but she'd rather not deal with him again. Last time they met, his eyes never left her chest. The way he said _"Orihime-chan"_ made her skin crawl, as well.

The usual cart was wheeled in, and the thing that was sent with the cart bowed and left. The Espada closed the door behind him with a gentle click, and put his hand in his pocket as usual.

"I take it you are in good health, woman?"

She sighed, moving towards the cart to tear off a chunk of boring bread and eat it. She chewed with great gusto, and then swallowed with twice that. _I'm eating, aren't I?_

He looked ready to roll his eyes. "I do believe I asked you a question."

"Yes."

"Very well then. You have a meeting with Aizen-sama this evening. Do try and come dressed properly this time."

The beginnings of a rebellion built up in the human girl's throat, but she fought them back. There's no point, there's no point. She was gonna die anyway, right?

_Wait. If I'm going to die or be tortured anyway, what's a little extra in the grand scheme of doom?_

"Ulquiorra-san."

He blinked as she took another step towards him, trying not to stare at the place where she knew there was a gaping hole in his neck. "I-I have a question. It may seem kind of trivial, but please let me ask."

He tilted his head at her slightly, massive green eyes drilling into hers. Pieces of absolutely black hair slid about just above his shoulders and under his helmet. She was aware of her heart thumping in her chest. He was beautiful. No denying it. Evil, but lovely. Her resolution started to fade. But no, she would ask.

"Very well."

She closed the distance between them, slowly reaching her fingers towards him. She did it ever so gingerly; to show him she meant no harm. Well, he could have stopped her effortlessly anyway, even at her max speed. The god-like speed and inhuman grace even showed up in the way he walked, silent and white, sash fluttering from his slim waist. Her finger tips came to rest on his torso, just below his solar plexus. She could feel the cold that seeped from below the pristine white fabric. He did not flinch. She took a deep breath then lightly raced her fingers down to above his navel. Orihime's fingers paused. She could feel the solidness underneath, and the fact that Ulquiorra was very much an older male, twice not human, and three times as dangerous came rocketing back. He looked down at her, only the slightest smidge of discomfort in his eyes, mostly his usual bored attention.

He tried to keep his eyes on her fingers, but it was rather hard with her breasts so close. Noitora's lewd comment caught up with him unexpectedly. She was definitely innocent. She would require "teach---Wait a second. Hold on there. Both disgusting and inexcusable. Besides, he was a Hollow. There was no need for such time-wasting acts. He would admit for now that she smelled good. He hated the human use of scented soap. Clean, unscented skin was the most satisfying in a sort of primal way. She was studying his torso with intense concentration, and she shook her head as if trying to clear her mind. Silky hair danced across his stomach, where there was a thin strip of pale skin exposed. But what was she doing, this little girl? Playing with a demon's zipper? Not the best idea.

She then proceeded to yank up his shirt to his upper chest, much to his shock and utter confusion.

"AH-HAH! HOLLOWS DO HAVE BELLYBUTTONS! YOU HEAR THAT TSUBAKI-KUN? I WAS RIGHT"!

AN: Crack. PURE CRACK. But best crack couple ever in Bleach, IMO. I used to be a massive Uryuu/Orihime fan until Ulquiorra came along. Still kinda am, though. :3 Thanks! Reviews may bring more crack.


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